The Widening Gyre

Well, I didn't manage to infuse my time in Europe with apocalyptic omens and biblical imagery after all, but I do still think that it's appropriate to bring this blog full circle (get it?!) and end this sort-of conclusion the same way I began. It's only a sort-of conclusion and not a real, honest-to-god conclusion because I'm not sure I'm going to completely kill this blog once I leave for the US in 6 days. I mean, I know I've more or less neglected it to the point that death would be an improvement, but for some reason I still feel inclined to keep it around. I figure that if I can do it with hamsters, I can do it with technology, right Mom?

Besides, it's on to bigger and better things for me. Namely, Detroit, the front-runner of my depressing post-industrial American city trifecta! Come mid-June, I'll have collected 'em all! 

Actually, I'm really excited to be back in Buffalo, especially in time for the Allentown Art Festival and Shakespeare in the Park. Mostly, though, I'm just excited to see ALL OF YOU again!

Anyhow, in honor of my last week in Paris, I'll be posting a list/countdown of some sort each day of the week (that I can remember to). Today's list?

Eight Things You (Okay, I) Wouldn't Think to Do in Paris

8. Get up close and personal with the gargoyles of Notre Dame









I have my mom to thank for this one. Apparently it is possible to climb just about everything in Paris--the Eiffel Tower, Sacre Coeur, 10 immobile metro escalators with three suitcases--but the best one, in my opinion, is the bell tower of Notre Dame. Not only are you able to walk around and see the gargoyles up close, but you can even make like Quasimodo and visit the special sometimes bell in the southern tower! I don't think swinging is allowed, but I imagine that if Philippe Petit can string a tightrope between the two towers without anyone noticing, grabbing a quick ride on the bell clapper shouldn't be too difficult.

7. Skip the Mona Lisa...see the Prancing Jesus!

The real title of this painting is Agnolo di Cosimo di Mariano Tori and it is supposedly a representation of the resurrected Christ appearing before Mary Magdalene as a gardener, or whatever, but what it really is is the most hilarious depiction of Jesus ever displayed in earnest at an art museum. Just around the corner from the Mona Lisa in the gallery of Italian paintings, it provides a bit of goofiness amidst the endless pietas and plattered heads of St. John the Baptist.

6. Save money! Drink by the Seine.


This one's just math. A bottle of crappy wine, by French standards, costs between 2-3 euros at any grocery store. A glass of wine at a bar, cafe, or restaurant runs you at least 3,50. Besides, the Seine is romantic and whatnot, and even if you have to occasionally indulge the tour boats with a grudging wave, it's infinitely better than taking your chances with the French conception of "service."

5. Be a voyeur at jazz clubs.

I cannot stress this enough: Drunk. French. People. Dancing. Most of them well, some of them poorly enough to be just as entertaining. Last Thursday I watched the most amazing old couple swing dance like pros for hours, decked out in 40s garb. Beside them a lone woman in jean capris and an oversized tank top windmilled her arms and touch-stepped to the same imperceptible beat for the entire evening. Just make sure to practice your bitch face if you don't want to be asked to try it, yourself.

4. Have picnics all the time.




Seriously, as often as you can. They don't get old. Fill a bag with 10 euros of French picnic food (wine, cheese, bread, cornichons, strawberries, etc.) and head off to any park for a cheap and hap-hap-happy day. Just be careful to pick a place where there is a reasonable chance that you will be allowed to sit on the grass. Avoid the Tuileries Garden at all costs.

3. Go to the movies.


Since it rains, clouds, and colds in Paris 70% of the time, it is necessary to have a crappy day back-up plan. Paris has countless cinemas and theatres to provide just the combination of shelter and entertainment that you need. Skip the pricey AMC equivalents and find smaller one-screen establishments that show both new and old movies at affordable prices. In some places, you can sit up top near the projector and and hear the reel as it turns. The historic Cinematheque Francaise in the Bercy neighborhood also offers a cinema museum and daily screenings of classic movies from all over the world, subtitled in French, for less than 7 euros combined. Tickets for individual screenings can be as low at 3 euros for students.

2. Overpay for tea and pastries.


I'm the last person to endorse less-than-frugal spending, but even I must admit that blowing upwards of 10 euros on a pot of fancy tea and a delicious, full-size macaron at Laduree is totally worth it. You pay as much for the atmosphere as you do for the food; the inside of each boutique is decorated in pastel pinks and greens according to some frilly style that I'm not educated enough to recognize but that recalls hoop skirts and lace gloves and generally makes you feel like a lady. Truth be told, I'd be willing to pay the 10 euros for the macaron alone, but the tea and tea room are a nice bonus.

Still not convinced? Luckily for you, there's always free macaron day each spring to give you a taste of what you're in for.

1. Revel in the ridiculous.

No matter where you are in Paris, you are never far from something absolutely absurd. Whether it's a mysterious business with an upright polar bear cadaver in the window or a middle-aged woman removing her top nonchalantly in the middle of a restaurant to treat a wine stain, there will always be something to baffle you and blow your mind. Bring your camera and enjoy it!